Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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