I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize