you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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