mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
