the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
