I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
