It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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