I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
