My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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