... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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