Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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