I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
