you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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