just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize