there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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