'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize