sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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