this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You took a bar mat shot.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
