I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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