We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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