Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
