From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
