Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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