god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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