Princesses don't give blow jobs
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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