I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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