dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
