After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
