I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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