hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
