Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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