sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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