Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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