This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
