Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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