Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
