I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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