No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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