I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
