What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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