my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
