i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
We are all done wearing pants today
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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