May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
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