does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
