What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
