i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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