He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
