i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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