Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
