She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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