Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
