Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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