got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
