It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
