he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
