I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
